The Book That Almost Broke My Blog

Trans, Juliet Jacques

I've been avoiding this post for months. I even read an entire series since this one, but I want to chronicle my reading in order. So, it's time. This isn't going to be easy.

I mentioned previously that I am trying to read more first-person narratives. And my desire for an authentic storyteller is hipster level. Enter, Ms. Jacques.

To begin, I'm going to share a little of my experiences with trans people. I went to a state school that had a surprisingly large group celebrating and supporting the LGBTQ+ community. Sort of. Those four years I was around people who explored, questioned, and experimented with their identities in many ways. It was at a drag pageant on campus that I learned an acquaintance from high school was performing. My favorite nightclub had drag shows. The restrooms might have had gender signs, but nobody paid attention to them. Honestly, it was one of the few places where I felt like I could just be me, safely, and nobody cared what that meant.

My senior year I moved into a small apartment complex that shared a parking lot with another. The two buildings faced each other. Naturally, many of us became friends. It was an eclectic group of people. It was home. Among the maybe 3 dozen people living in those two buildings, were David and Shel. David was David most of the time, except when he was Kenya- a crowd pleasing queen. It was easy to know which persona was present. Kenya was a character David became. Shel was different. Shel was born male and tried to live as a woman sometimes. It was a painful struggle for him (his chosen pronoun). He had tried hormone therapy in the past but didn't continue it. He hated being a man and was terrified of being a woman. Today he might call himself genderfluid, a term we didn't have back then. The point is, these were people I saw daily. They were friends. They were my most intimate experience with trans identities. I took that for granted.

Now to the book. Jacques has admitted that she didn't want to publish a memoir, a fact that is pretty obvious to me. It's a shame that the only story a publisher wanted to touch was this one because it is not well-written. To be clear, my problems with the story aren't with the overall content. It reads exactly like a book the writer never wanted to pen.

For a memoir, Jacques shares very little of her interior life. There's occasional discussion of depression or the anxious feelings she had when shopping. But mostly it's almost a third person limited narration of events of her life. There are detailed paragraphs about soccer/football plays and many references to the music scene she was into. Both were completely lost on me and did nothing to help me relate to the person behind the story. I can't blame Jacques for this, since she didn't want to write a memoir. But at the same time, I wonder why she bothered with publishing it.

The other thing I didn't care for was the complaining about how hard it was to transition. Remember, I had a friend who was never able to, even though he wanted to. Knowing how difficult and expensive it is for people here, having to live as a woman for a year before having confirmation surgery seems like a pretty privileged complaint to me. It's not a competition, of course, but if that's the hardest thing you have to overcome ...

There are things I really liked about the book, too. Just not the memoir part. Jacques weaves in a little trans theory and politics. She talks about how limited trans lit is- the same thing her own book suffers from. She gives very limited space to her life before transition, which I have deep respect for. If people want to get off on that kind of stuff, they can read Middlesex. I liked that she didn't write a sensational story, that there was no huge battle with her parents or a suicide attempt.

It's hard to give this one a rating. My feelings about it are too mixed up. Most notably is that, as a cis-woman, it's not really my place to rate Ms. Jacques' experience. The obscure scene references and distant storytelling are not good writing, in my opinion. At the same time, I realize that she didn't have many options. I'm glad I read the book, but I'm not sure I'm glad she wrote it.

Chapter 23: A Book At the Bottom of Your To Read List

A Stolen Life, Jaycee Dugard

I have always been fascinated with crime and what drives people to it. I read every Ann Rule book I could get my hands on. I considered becoming a criminal psychologist. I studied serial killers and bizarre offenses. I watched made-for-tv movies, and Nancy McKeon's portrayal of Tracey Thurman left a lasting impression on me. Farrah Fawcette? Burn it down, girlfriend! The movie about how M.A.D.D. got started really fired up the J of my Myers-Briggs personality (plus I took it personally that the girl killed by a drunk driver was named Cari, too close to my own sister, Kerry). I can't help it. It's who I am. But most true-crime writing tends to be salacious, almost pornographic, and this one is neither.

People think they want to know all the details of a big crime. Tabloids feed us lines about what Scott Peterson ate for dinner or how many bars Casey Anthony went to. Those tidbits make us feel like we really know what happened, but they can also cheapen a story. That's where A Stolen Life is different. Dugard, as the victim and survivor of kidnapping, rape, and a handful of other crimes can actually tell us what happened, why she didn't escape, how she felt, what she thought. Unlike The Girl In the Box, which I read in middle school, this is an honest account of actual events. Sharing memories, journal entries, and reflections on events, Dugard draws a picture of what her life was like for 18 years behind a fence.

One of the most interesting things about the case is that Dugard was allowed to go out eventually, and even had contact with law enforcement, but never revealed she was held against her will. Most people are familiar with the idea of Stockholm Syndrome, but it is still hard to understand. In context, it was normal for her to comply, blend in, and do what was expected of her. We'd like to think we would make a break for it, to run and scream and escape. Understanding why someone wouldn't is very interesting material.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned here why I am doing this challenge. Besides just liking books and wanting to expand my horizons, I have a few books I would like to write. I am reading to be a better writer. One of these stories is the true story of a horrific crime that went unsolved in my hometown for 20 years. I have not approached the family about it yet because I want to have some text for them to read first. But one thing Stolen has helped me with is the assurance that a crime story can be told that honors the privacy of all the victims and still tells the tale. And, perhaps more importantly, you can do all this and still explain things that seem odd to outsiders- which I feel is very important in the case of my hometown. Context is everything. I want to honor the victim and her loved ones in a way that is rarely seen. So, I'm going to keep this one around to come back to as I pen that story.

It's obvious that Dugard wrote her memoir as part of her post-abduction therapy. At times it is very childish or naive, as one would expect from a girl kidnapped at age 11. It can feel a little schmaltzy at times, too, but not in an off-putting way. Jaycee Dugard is nothing if not honest. This look into her life was both compelling and enlightening, and nothing like the pulp content I used to devour.

Rating this one is difficult. It's been six years since Jaycee's recovery dominated headlines. Without all that attention and fervor, it is easy to be critical of the writing. At the same time, this is penned by a woman with a fifth-grade education, who was closed off from the world for more than half her life, and she still managed to publish something readable. If you are looking for juicy recollections of wild drug and sex binges, this isn't the book for you. If you are interested in gaining perspective on the inner workings of a victim and survivor, this is better than any case study you can find. And because I intend to come back to it for my own writing, a sort of touchstone, I am going to give it four Marias.

Chapter 8: A Memoir

Miracle in the Desert, Eric Milch

Ok, folks, this is going to be a bumpy ride. First, I'm going to tell you about some of the ways this book completely disrupted my expectations. Then I'll get to the actual book discussion and wind it up with my review and recommendations. Please make sure your tray is in the upright and locked position.

I mentioned before that I'm not sure all the books from the list exist. So I've just been reading and deciding which box to check once I've finished it. Within the first few pages of Miracle I just knew that I had found the elusive Book That Makes You Cry. I already knew the overall story, and those first paragraphs captured the panic a parent feels when their child disappears in a crowded, public place. This one was going to make me cry.

Except it didn't. It filled me with a lot of emotions, but never brought me to tears. So, a memoir it is.

Now usually I include a picture of the cover of whatever book I'm discussing. This is a self-published book, so there's not much to show. Plain text, green cover. But I've never really gotten into the self-publishing world. Of course there are tons of e-books available in this format, but an actual paper copy? New experience altogether. It appeals to me on many levels. I am a DIY'er, so the writers on lulu are kindred spirits. There's also a punk-style, zine-producing attitude that I love. And, for me, it tightens my relationship with the artist. One click on "Buy Now" sends a direct message that I want to hear what you have to say. It's definitely opened up an entire new reading source for me.

So, the book itself. Let me start by admitting that I already knew how this story would turn out. I get to spend one glorious week every other summer with these people. So I will also admit that I arrogantly assumed I knew everything. Well, not everything, but enough. Wrong! And while I do know more about the overall arc, Eric chose to just write about a very specific story-within-the-story. And it is beautiful.

Without spoiling too much of the story, I will tell you this. After his son did not return from an oversees trip with his ex-wife, Milch and his new bride went halfway around the world to find him. The odds were very much against them. It was a pint-sized needle in a half-million people haystack- if they were even in the right haystack. Milch relates the story exactly as he would talking to a friend. I heard his voice as I read the words. I heard Stephanie's voice. It's good storytelling, and you know how important that is to me.

I mentioned that I expected to cry but didn't. I was really surprised by this. The anguish of a missing child, the frustration when things don't happen according to plan - I certainly relate to these things. But mostly, I was filled with awe and hope and something I don't have a word for. I believe in miracles. I believe in, not just a generic Being, Energy, or Universe, but God. This story, if you are open to it, is one of people getting out of the way of that Power and impossible things happening. So while on the surface this is the tale of a father searching for his son, it's also one of a man finding things he wasn't looking for.

The book is a quick read. Less than 300 pages and very conversational. The plot moves quickly while still giving details that play a big role. It's a compelling story, hard to find a good stopping place because you want to know what happens next. Even knowing the outcome, I wanted to know exactly how it got to that point. I rarely share passages from what I'm reading, but I both posted a quote on facebook and read entire paragraphs to my husband as he tried to fall asleep. I couldn't hold it all in!

This book is not for true skeptics. There is much discussion of spiritual things that some would write off as a string of coincidences or good luck. But if you are open, just a tiny bit, to the idea that there is something bigger than what we know and understand, you should read it. Milch will take you on a journey that shows just what can happen when we step back and pay attention to what some greater power is trying to tell us. For all the chances that he took- in going to unusual places, trying different tactics, changing plans that were rock solid- you should take a chance on Miracle In the Desert.